Being a parent of four teens and a high school teacher, I have been consciously aware of building the self esteem of those in my care by giving lots of praise. Specifically, I have trained myself to take notice of a child's improvement, their sincere effort and excellent performance; all reasons to give praise. However it was only recently that I came to realize that the words I used to build self esteem had limited effectiveness and sometimes proved to be counterproductive. I learned that "evaluative praise" held distinct disadvantages over "descriptive praise".
An explanation is in order.
Evaluative praise is the most common form of praise issued in all relationships including the parent teenager relationship. The praise comes in the form of expressions like "excellent", "well done", "fantastic", "I'm really impressed" and so on.
In the parent teenager relationship, evaluative praise is far better than words of negativity or remaining silent. However its effectiveness in building self identity, self esteem and confidence is limited because the words chosen are usually cliches, generic and make little reference to the specifics of your child's performance.
Another limitation of evaluative praise is the fact that it is focused on the giver rather than the receiver. Just as evaluative praise can be issued one day, it can be withdrawn the next.
Alternatively, descriptive praise is a process where the parent who issues the praise describes their observation and allows the child to put two and two together and naturally heap praise upon themselves. Also when your child's performance or actions are described accurately it becomes a form of feedback and it remains irrespective of your subjective analysis.
The difference between evaluative praise and descriptive praise can be seen in the following fairly typical parent teenager relationship scenario.
For example, let's say your teen loves soccer. His ability is fairly average but he is keen to learn and develop. On the day of competition, within the opening minutes of the game, your teen happens to be in the perfect position and kicks a goal. Wanting to share your enthusiasm, at the half time break, you approach your teen and tell him: "What a great goal". This kind of comment is an example of evaluative praise.
The praise may be taken really well. However your teenager may receive it with skepticism thinking: "I just got lucky" or "someone passed the ball to me" or "nobody was guarding me because I am not a key player in the team, therefore no one ever expected me to kick a goal". The fact of kicking a goal and the evaluative praise nonetheless probably would result in some positive feelings but the value of the experience may end up being very limited and possibly lost over time.
Now take a moment to contrast the aforementioned example of evaluative praise with an example of descriptive praise as follows: "I observed that as soon as the whistle sounded to begin the game you ran back into your defensive zone and then you quickly rebounded off your opponent and ran into your offensive zone. Since you ran into some open space the mid fielder had little choice but to pass it off to you. With about ten meters between you and your direct opponent, you had all the time in the world to position yourself perfectly to kick a goal. The goal came as a result of your quick thinking and positioning.
Through the aforementioned example, you simply share your observation, which would be hard for your teenager to refute. Through such an action, it is highly likely that your teenager will agree that their right actions resulted in them scoring a goal. Naturally then they will commend themselves and their right actions on the field, resulting in a boost to their self esteem. Such an experience would become an important reference point for your teen, on their journey of self development.
In your parent teenager relationship make the effort to go beyond evaluative praise and become a parent that makes that extra bit of effort to relay back to your teenager your observation of their performance or actions. This will cause your teenager to praise themselves and in the process build their self esteem.
An explanation is in order.
Evaluative praise is the most common form of praise issued in all relationships including the parent teenager relationship. The praise comes in the form of expressions like "excellent", "well done", "fantastic", "I'm really impressed" and so on.
In the parent teenager relationship, evaluative praise is far better than words of negativity or remaining silent. However its effectiveness in building self identity, self esteem and confidence is limited because the words chosen are usually cliches, generic and make little reference to the specifics of your child's performance.
Another limitation of evaluative praise is the fact that it is focused on the giver rather than the receiver. Just as evaluative praise can be issued one day, it can be withdrawn the next.
Alternatively, descriptive praise is a process where the parent who issues the praise describes their observation and allows the child to put two and two together and naturally heap praise upon themselves. Also when your child's performance or actions are described accurately it becomes a form of feedback and it remains irrespective of your subjective analysis.
The difference between evaluative praise and descriptive praise can be seen in the following fairly typical parent teenager relationship scenario.
For example, let's say your teen loves soccer. His ability is fairly average but he is keen to learn and develop. On the day of competition, within the opening minutes of the game, your teen happens to be in the perfect position and kicks a goal. Wanting to share your enthusiasm, at the half time break, you approach your teen and tell him: "What a great goal". This kind of comment is an example of evaluative praise.
The praise may be taken really well. However your teenager may receive it with skepticism thinking: "I just got lucky" or "someone passed the ball to me" or "nobody was guarding me because I am not a key player in the team, therefore no one ever expected me to kick a goal". The fact of kicking a goal and the evaluative praise nonetheless probably would result in some positive feelings but the value of the experience may end up being very limited and possibly lost over time.
Now take a moment to contrast the aforementioned example of evaluative praise with an example of descriptive praise as follows: "I observed that as soon as the whistle sounded to begin the game you ran back into your defensive zone and then you quickly rebounded off your opponent and ran into your offensive zone. Since you ran into some open space the mid fielder had little choice but to pass it off to you. With about ten meters between you and your direct opponent, you had all the time in the world to position yourself perfectly to kick a goal. The goal came as a result of your quick thinking and positioning.
Through the aforementioned example, you simply share your observation, which would be hard for your teenager to refute. Through such an action, it is highly likely that your teenager will agree that their right actions resulted in them scoring a goal. Naturally then they will commend themselves and their right actions on the field, resulting in a boost to their self esteem. Such an experience would become an important reference point for your teen, on their journey of self development.
In your parent teenager relationship make the effort to go beyond evaluative praise and become a parent that makes that extra bit of effort to relay back to your teenager your observation of their performance or actions. This will cause your teenager to praise themselves and in the process build their self esteem.
About the Author:
Are you a tired and frustrated parent of ateen? Are you finding that your parenting methodsare just not working but you believe there must be a better way to be able to connect with yourteen? If this sounds like you, grab a hold of parenting expert, Paul Saver's seven FREE parenting videos. Each video is designed to transform your parentteen relationship. Just click on the link. An inspired approach to parenting awaits you.
Tidak ada komentar:
Posting Komentar